Tuesday, June 30, 2009

emotional dump here

I'm angry, and hurt, and that is what I have not been writing. It's easy to say, everything is ok, here are some pictures of my kids, here are the funny things they say. But lately I cannot just write something light hearted, when I don't feel light hearted.

How do you explain that the man you honestly love, is not making you happy? I can truthfully say I love him, and I can say that I cannot and dont want to imagine my life without him. I know he is right for me, we fit, we are two parts of a whole. But something has been building, and I'm tired of not being valued, of being taken for granted, of always being the one who says I love you first. I'm tired of being the person he unloads on-when how he does it can be down right mean.

I'm struggling with knowing that he does indeed love me, and that he is not trying to hurt me, and that he is working very hard to provide for our family, but that honestly he isnt really going to ever change. When I point out the behavior that bothers me, he immediatly stops it, for about 6 months, then its back. That I cannot fairly expect one person to meet all my needs, since I am a whole person-who should be capable of meeting my own.

I'm struggling with having taken all the parts of alison that i like, my creativeness, my need to be social, painting, reading, writing, my desire to be learning new things, and have put them all on a shelf for the last 6 years-so I could get through nursing school, become a new nurse, have two children, and attempt to run a household.

I'm tired of always feeling like no matter how hard I am trying I'm never going to measure up to the people I love the most.

Lately I have been feeling like some of these things are not ever going to change and I want my marriage to work. So maybe the answer is just doing what makes me happy, instead of asking someone else. So I have been, but that is now making my husband unhappy, unhappier?

He does not want me to meet a friend for a drink, he does not support me in doing anything for myself at all actually-if it affects him, then it isnt worth it. Why can't I just do the things I want when he is at work? Oh yes-and after I have fullfilled all of the household duties expected of me, so....never. It's a whole lot like telling cinderella she can go the ball after her chores, and then giving her so many chores she can't go. And the thing is, when is a mothers list of chores EVER done?

So I'm struggling, I know something has to change, I dont know what exactly that is, or how to go about it. I know I love my husband, and I married him for forever, I know there is a lot of good here, we just have to get past this.

Friday, May 22, 2009

primal scream

I started this second blog in June 2008-with the thought that I could write a little more freely-and have it not be quiet so obvious to family and friends. I did not use it as I inteneded because anyone with a little skill could easily find this blog, but my immediate family does not spend that much time looking for things they don't know exist. I'm not sure if I'm just older and care less, (because admittedly in the top of my thoughts right now is f*ck it, I want to write.) or that I have a need that is so deep seated to just able express myself, in a place where I can just let it out, let it hang in the air and expect nothing more than that.

So here is the deal-I'm going to write much more openly, its not going to be as nice, or as guarded-I apologize now to anyone that I might be writing about- because I love you all I put everything into our relationships-and I need balance too. This is not going to be a mommy blog although I will discuss mommy topics-It's not going to be my place to put cute pictures of my kids, or write funny stories, that will be my mommy blog. Here I want to tackle the things that sit on my soul and go nowhere, for fear of saying out loud what I think and running the risk of hurting someone, I think this for me is a primal scream-not an angry one, but a needed one.

I'm heading out to pick up my son now-but stay tuned-I have something sitting in my mind that needs expressing!